I don't like going to bed everything wondering if everyone I love will be alive when I wake up. It's not going to be the same again is it...

When my grandmother and my uncle died, I seemed ok with it, I always thought it was because I just understood it, but after my sister died, it really messed me up, I still think about it every night,

I always thought that it was because I missed her, that I didn't think about that better place stuff, but lately it seems it is because I am scared at the situation, I was pre-informed of my Uncle's / Grandmother's death, they were sick, either from age or personal life, but my sister. There was no warning for her, she just left one day.

I never even said goodbye like I did with them...

This has thrown me out of a loop because now I freak out whenever someone leaves, or if I leave without saying goodbye. What if they could be gone? I'll never see them again...

What really gets me sometimes is just that all my friends, all of them are online. I want to meet them so badly, just to share time with them in case something happens, but I am stuck in this city, unable to leave. I can't drive, not lack of knowledge, but fear.

And I can't get a job at all, I've been looking for what seems like months now but haven't gotten anywhere. I might attempt to get a job with the city, so I could actually walk from where I am. But...I'd be stuck in the city...

The only reason why I even bother is so that I can spend my life with someone when I am older, but I fear I might not get there. I've never wanted any more out of life than just to hold hands with someone who I could say I love you in their eyes. The way things seem like, I might not get there.

Every time I try and talk to someone, I just fall short of the answer I want, like there is some magic everyone is happy scenario.